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In May 2019, Taiwan became Asia’s first country to legalize same-sex marriage. While gay and lesbian individuals were ecstatic about the news, their usually silent but supportive parents

also breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, they had found the courage to “come out of the closet” themselves and face a community that may have been unfriendly in the past. Furthermore, they

were now free to openly embrace their children. ORIGINALLY FILLED WITH FEAR AND SELF-BLAME BECAUSE OF LOVE, A COURAGEOUS RESPONSE IS PROMPTED Mother L is a retired middle school teacher. Her

daughter is a lesbian and her son is gay. “For my generation, there wasn’t any gender equality education.” After her daughter came out to her, she felt very sympathetic but also powerless.

Furthermore, friends and relatives seemed to be of no help. She then began blaming herself, thinking that her child faced many hardships coming out because she had failed to do enough

homework as the parent. > “If I feel this much misery, then doesn’t my child feel even > worse?” Mother Z is also filled with a sense of self-blame. Since her husband died early, she

believed that a single-parent family without a male role-model was the reason why her son “became” gay. She recalls her son’s childhood experience of being bullied for his femininity. “If I

feel this much misery, then doesn’t my child feel even worse?” While dealing with a professional crisis mid-life of her own, Mother S had to also manage the disorderly behavior of her

daughter, her poor performance at school, and her coming out of the closet. Their relationship became very tense, and she sank into a negative spiral of emotion and imagination: “Did I make

mistakes while bringing her up? Is my daughter going to be killed by her lover? There is always news of lesbians who murder due to unrequited love.” In the name of love, the three mothers

mentioned above felt much worry, fear, and self-blame. Love for their children, however, prompted them to seek answers proactively. In the end, they found new possibilities for different

family styles and parent-child relationships in the family group hotline, and learned through the life stories of other families. SAME-SEX MARRIAGE GAVE PARENTS A“NATIONALLY CERTIFIED” PEACE

OF MIND, BUT REGRETS REMAIN > “Even the government has come out to protect these children. I > feel a sense of relief.” “The issue of same-sex marriage has gone through judicial

interpretation and a referendum before finally being passed as a special legislative bill — the whole process was akin to a course on gender equality for all the people in Taiwan.” Clemond

Hsu, head of the Family Group at Taiwan Tongzhi (LGBTQ+) Hotline Association, said that fierce debates about same-sex marriage in recent years brought the issue to every corner of Taiwan.

“Parents of gays and lesbians now understand that it wasn’t their fault.” “Thanks to discussions on same-sex marriage and the passing of the bill, the visibility of the issue was elevated,

which has led to a gradual increase in acceptance.” Mother L states that when her daughter brings her partner home in the rural area, everybody understands when she just winks. Her husband

also had a change in attitude. In the beginning, he had difficulty accepting his daughter’s sexuality. After the interpretation by the Grand Justices, however, he stated: “Even the

government has come out to protect these children. I feel a sense of relief.” The daughter of Mother S married her female partner and had a child. Now a grandmother, Mother S says this type

of family format actually enjoys more freedom because there is no constraint on everyone’s title. “Because there is no framework, there won’t be excessive social expectations. A while ago,

when the family of my daughter’s wife came to see the child, they called me “mother-in-law”. That felt kind of weird, haha!” However, this new set of marriage rules is not yet well thought

out. Even though same-sex partners may “adopt their partner’s children (note 1)”, the procedure takes a long time, and applicants may be subject to a judgement unfriendly towards same-sex

families. The granddaughter of Mother S was fertilized using her daughter’s egg and implanted in the womb of her daughter’s wife. Therefore, before her daughter adopts her own child, the

baby is not officially considered a “blood relative”. “Last time, when I went to add my granddaughter to my household registration, the document actually said ‘relative’ and not

‘granddaughter’. I was very upset!” The framework, consisting of legal and social culture elements, has been repeatedly torn apart and put together all in an effort to adapt to changes

brought by the legalization of same-sex marriage. THE MOTHERS REBUILDING PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIPS AND LEARNING TO “LIVE FOR THEMSELVES” “I often say that when a family finds out they have

a homosexual child, their life changes from a mundane black and white to all colors of the rainbow.” Mother S’s words seem to precisely describe all three of these mothers. Gay or lesbian

children forced them to break out from the framework of being a “daughter-in-law”, “wife”, or “mother”, and to learn to “live for themselves”. > “I often say that when a family finds out 

they have a homosexual > child, their life changes from a mundane black and white to all > colors of the rainbow.” After getting married, these three mothers had devoted themselves

wholeheartedly to their family, while holding “wonderful” imaginations about the future of their children in regards to “traditional heterosexual romance”. When their children came out, the

whole family lost a sense of control. However, this state of being out of control also allowed them to recognize that viewing the family as everything had caused them to forget their

original selves. “After getting married, I no longer have any time of my own.” But after her daughter came out, Mother L finally understood that “children are not part of me”. Everyone can

only be responsible for their own lives — it is true for children and even more so for mothers. Thus, after retirement she has learned to enjoy the freedom of her own life, to travel with

friends or go out and relax by herself. In recent years, Mother S has been participating in the cultural preservation social movement. With the energy that she had once used to antagonize

her daughter, she now uses it to fight against greater powers in society. She doesn’t hide her daughter’s sexuality from friends or neighbors, and even voices her opinions against anti-gay

or -lesbian messages in social media. “They do not know how much their statements hurt us mothers!” Mother Z is now learning how to be by herself. Currently, her son has a stable companion.

Of course, as his mother, she would be happy to see them be together for their lifetime. “But I sometimes wonder, what would I do if I am left all by myself?” She grew up in a large

traditional family. With her husband passed away and her daughter living abroad, she admits, “I think this will be a big challenge for me,” if her son were to get married. There are many

different types of love regarding marriage and family — heterosexual, homosexual, and gender-neutral love. There is also love for parents, love for partners, and love for children. Perhaps,

the parents of these homosexual children are now learning about “love for themselves”. > Note 1: The Act for Implementation of J.Y. Interpretation №748, > Article 2: “Two persons of 

the same sex may form a permanent union > of intimate and exclusive nature for the purpose of living a common > life.” Article 20 stipulates that: “In the event where one party > to

 the union as stated in Article 2 adopts the genetic child of the > other party, the provisions of Civil Code concerning adoption shall > apply mutatis mutandis.” The party intending 

adoption must file an > application at the court and attend the hearing. The local social > bureau or designated child welfare agency will then conduct a > visiting evaluation to 

determine whether adoption would be granted. OTHER ARTICLE IN THIS ISSUE: 1ST ANNIVERSARY OF TAIWAN’S LEGALIZATION OF SAME-SEX MARRIAGE: TONGZHI HOTLINE IS WEAVING A SUPPORTING NETWORK FOR

PARENTS OF LGBTQ+ CHILDREN AUTHOR: LIN SI-HOU Freelance journalist exploring gender and public issues PHOTOGRAPHER: CHEN WAN-ZHEN A journalist and photographer who understands the society

and introspects herself by constantly listening to people from varying backgrounds. Chen double majored in Philosophy and Communication Studies.