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Thomas has clients take notes while listening, if they’re open to it, and restate the points they heard. “Repeating it back doesn’t mean that it’s true [for you], but it’s true for the other

person,” she says. “It’s about reflective listening and validating and valuing the relationship … over protecting your own ego.” 8. APOLOGIZE SOONER RATHER THAN LATER “The more you wait,

the more you’ve made someone suffer, and the less likely there will be a repair,” says Robert M. Gordon, a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst based in Osprey, Florida. For example, if

you lost your temper at a weekly gathering of friends, Thomas says, it's understandable that you may be flustered and need some time to reflect before offering a full apology. But do

try to at least take ownership right away, Thomas says, by saying something like “I apologize; please excuse me,” which “can break the tension and move things in a positive direction.” 9.

DON’T PRESUME THINGS WILL BLOW OVER People often think that if they wait long enough, the aggrieved party will forget about whatever it was that caused the hurt feelings. Thomas, in her

TEDx Talk “Getting the Last Word With Apology," says that’s not the case: “Every time we get offended, it creates an emotional block between ‘us’ and ‘them,’ and the next time it

happens, another block forms until we have a big wall. It's very hard to talk through a wall, or around the wall, and it doesn't go away just with the passing of time.” Express

your apology in the language they’re expecting — so they understand and receive it. Sam Island 10. PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES This is where knowing the “apology language” of the hurt party

comes into play, Thomas says. “We may be offering something or knocking ourselves out trying to express how sincere we are,” she explains, “but unless we express it in the language they’re

expecting and that they understand, they’re not going to receive it.” Thomas explains that our apology language typically comes from childhood and was adapted based on what our parents or

teachers wanted to hear. It can be difficult to speak another apology language if you’ve been reinforcing your own, different language of choice for more than 50 years. However, she says,

it’s crucial, because it’s the only way to make sure you’re being heard by the other person. 11. BE AWARE OF TONE AND BODY LANGUAGE Don’t cross your arms or hurry an apology, warns Thomas.

Put your phone on do not disturb — better yet, leave the phone in another room, she says — and “let your tone of voice show your patience, that you’re there and not going to rush off

somewhere.” Also, stay calm. “You don’t want to sound angry or staccato when you want the person to be open to you and for you two to be vulnerable with each other,” she continues. “Just

don’t be defensive. Accept what they say as their truth and don’t argue with them.” 12. MAKE APPROPRIATE RESTITUTION This is about finding a way to replace or correct a situation gone wrong.

Thomas, in her TEDx Talk, says that what some people most want to hear is what’s going to be different moving forward. “They want to know that we've put some time and effort into

making a better plan,” she says. As long as the aggrieved party doesn’t interpret your efforts as a bribe, you could offer to buy a new jacket to replace one you stained, proposes Thomas, or

recommend scheduling a dinner date (your treat!) to make up for a missed get-together. A more serious matter may require more thought, Gordon says. Let’s say a husband has an affair. He

repeatedly apologizes, yet his wife is still incredibly angry. That may be because his apology isn’t “dose-appropriate,” he says. Unlike businesses that can offer a monetary refund when a

product disappoints, “in an emotional relationship, you can’t insult someone and say, ‘Here’s five bucks. Get over it.’” In this example of the affair, says Gordon, “The guilty party must

show remorse, empathy and repair by saying such things as ‘There is no excuse for what I did. I will work hard to be a better person and work hard to repair the damage I have done. … I will

listen to your hurt and anger for as long as you need.’” 13. BE SELF-COMPASSIONATE  Thomas warns against scolding yourself for messing up in the first place. Instead, be as patient with

yourself as you would with a child, because we’re all still learning and doing the best we can, she says. The healthiest thing you can do, says Lerner, is to understand that our mistakes

help us change and grow. Before giving an apology, consider caring for yourself by journaling or taking some time for quiet reflection, suggests Chefalo. After the apology, plan to do

something similarly enjoyable, allowing time for some reflection, says Thomas, adding that when you are gentle with yourself, it often makes for a better apology.  Thomas adds: “If I’m

being self-compassionate, I’m probably feeling less defensive, and my body language will be more aligned with my words. I will likely show greater openness to the person with whom I want to

restore the relationship.” 14. SAY "THANK YOU" This is a short one but an important one, according to Gordon. After you've apologized, make it clear that you appreciate

the other person hearing you out. "When someone cares enough to listen, thank them," says Gordon, adding that it involves a "respectful effort at understanding." Consider

saying something positive about your bond to show your commitment to the relationship. Sam Island 15. BE POSITIVE ABOUT YOUR COMMITMENT TO THE RELATIONSHIP While specificity is important,

so is emphasizing your commitment to the relationship, Thomas says. Perhaps you made a joke based on a friend forgetting something, unaware that the friend has become more sensitive about

losing her memory. Something like this could put a relationship on the line, Thomas says, so consider saying something positive about your bond, such as, “I value you and our relationship.

We’ve been together through thick and thin. You are a gift to me, and I’m committed to working this out.”