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WHEN ROLES REVERSE Joe Padgett, 74, and his wife, Susan Mead Padgett, 71, from Rye, New York, met in graduate school at Notre Dame. When Sue was diagnosed in 2019 with multiple myeloma, she

lost the independence that had defined their relationship and began to live with fatigue and constant spine pain. “Sue was the person who did everything,” says Joe. “She taught school, made

home repairs, raised the kids, could sew anything, and she kept all the finances. So it threw us for a loop when she became dependent on me. I retired when Sue was diagnosed, because now

it’s my job to take care of her.” Joe and Susan Padgett Courtesy Christine Lombardo Joe brings Sue flowers, and they make sure to thank one another for the little things they do. “We tell

each other how much we love one another,” says Sue, “and hold hands when we can.” When she’s feeling well, they make a point of getting outside to walk by Long Island Sound. “We often spot a

variety of birds and then try to identify them when we get home. It’s something we both enjoy together. Every time we go outside, we find something new that keeps us going.” KEEPING A

CONNECTION TO THE END In 2016, 40-year-old April Deen of Rye, New York, had 2-year old twins and an active life when she was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. She lost her battle to the

disease a year later, but during their time together, her husband, Adrian, 48, fought to try to maintain as normal a life as possible. “Our schedule was dictated by how April felt and the

demands of two young children, but we used our many hours driving and waiting in the hospital to check in with each other. We went out for lunch or dinners afterward if she was able.” When

April didn’t feel well, the couple relived their past experiences, reviewing their old photographs and reminiscing about fun and interesting events. ACTS OF FAITH, LOVE Susana and Guillermo

Rueda Courtesy Augustina Rueda Rueda also counsels patients that the caregiver’s burden is sometimes deciding how much to share with their partner. Some thoughts or feelings might be hurtful

and may actually burden the partner further. “There are so many layers to the couple relationship, and it’s important to try to honor the intimacy and connection when you can.” As a

daughter, she observed her father caring for her mother for two years, and she was awed by the intimacy they shared as they prayed together. “It was transformative for my mom the way my dad

would put his head on her, and they would pray the rosary,” she recalls. “I remember being struck by how they connected over their faith and that it survived the stress of her illness in the

midst of losing all her independence and being bedridden.” “The true value is the longing to be who we are rather than let ourselves and our relationships be defined by our circumstances,”

says Rueda. “We need to be able to find ways to express desire and connection through acts of love.” THE TIES THAT BIND Tips to maintain or add a sense of love and partnership in a caregiver

relationship: * Maintain visual reminders of better times, like photos or travel souvenirs. * Sustain physical contact when possible. Even small gestures like holding hands or a shoulder

massage can restore a feeling of connection. * Continue to engage in activities that were enjoyable during the healthier years of the marriage. * Support each other in pursuing independent

interests. * Keep an active social network. Make time to see friends, both as a couple and independently. * Maintain close family relationships and allow extended family to help out whenever

possible. * Communicate about conflicts that arise, and reach out for professional help when those conflicts seem insurmountable. _Lee Woodruff is a caregiver, speaker and author. She and

her husband, Bob, cofounded the Bob Woodruff Foundation, which assists injured service members and their families. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram._