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COLUMNIST CYNTHIA SPILLMAN EXPLAINS HOW TO SURVIVE AND THRIVE IN A NEW-FORMED FAMILY “And they all lived happily ever after,” as the fairytale goes. Note the italics, because when you are a

stepparent – the term I am using to describe someone who enters into a new long-term relationship with someone who already has children – it is a tough job even in the very best of cases. I

have been a stepparent for more than 23 years and it has taken a huge amount of effort and work on myself, and by both of us on our relationship, to achieve any kind of equilibrium. We all

have emotional ‘baggage’. Some of that baggage is weightier than others. You and your partner arrive in the current relationship, along with your own personal wounding, and that of your

progeny. BLENDED FAMILIES IN FRANCE The proportion of children living in stepfamilies in France has been stable for 20 years. Some 22% of children live with a single parent, 7% live with a

parent and a stepparent and a further 12% of those whose parents are separated split their time between both parents, according to the Union nationale des associations familiales (Unaf).

Although everything I am about to say applies to all blended families, the challenge could be even greater if you have a partner who originates from a different part of the globe, because

there could be a culture clash regarding expectations as to what is acceptable behaviour, customs, and habits, among other things. Read more: How to cope when the shine comes off your

‘perfect’ new life in France TROUBLESHOOTING There is no easy answer. The best thing you can do to preserve and nurture your relationship is to decide what is important – the health of your

relationship with your partner or the time-limited surge of power which comes from being ‘right’ about ‘the baggage’. Is it not better to be happy than right? If not, you risk stirring up a

tsunami of raw emotion and end up driving yourself and your partner into that crazy-making, hideously familiar emotional dead-end. Then you risk beating your head against the wall – and

repeating this all over again, expecting different results. GOOD COMMUNICATION IS VITAL Whatever the challenges, it is important to engage in mutually respectful dialogue with each other.

Communicate openly and honestly. Communication is key in any relationship, but it is especially important when navigating cultural differences and can be exacerbated even further if one of

you is not speaking their native language. Perhaps there are some areas where you will never agree, but compromise is essential.  If discussions get heated, it can be helpful to air your

feelings in an email or letter. Write it – then wait for a while, before having another look at it, amending if necessary and sending it. What enrages you initially, might be less of an

issue when you have calmed down.  Agree boundaries for when the children are in the house and what consequences you can enforce if these are not respected. Obviously, it will depend on the

ages of those involved. Note what you have agreed, so that there is no room for disagreement downstream. I once heard a great saying: “When co-parents disagree on parenting issues, they are

both wrong.” It might also be worth studying your partner's culture. The first step in navigating cultural differences is to learn as much as you can about what is behind your

partner's way of thinking.  Read more: Tips for those wanting to move to France but blocked by doubt LOOK AFTER YOURSELVES You must take care of yourselves physically and emotionally.

This means both of you having time out on your own to decompress. Find support for yourself. It does not necessarily have to be professional help. Perhaps start by meeting up with a trusted

friend in a similar situation – venting your spleen can be therapeutic.  Women may find this easier than men, but I would encourage both partners to confide in a safe person. If you think a

professional is required, do not wait – the days of stigma being attached to such things are thankfully behind us.  Do whatever you need to replenish your emotional and physical resources.

Read an uplifting book or watch a funny film. It is surprising how we often forget to do the simple things to help ourselves.  I dedicate an entire chapter in my book, From Dinner Date to

Soulmate – Cynthia Spillman’s Guide to Mature Dating, on how to live with baggage.  Plan special time for just the two of you – especially if you have recently had family staying with you. A

weekly date night can be fun and help you regain perspective. It gives you the opportunity to reconnect and to remind yourself of why you decided to be in this relationship! TIPS FOR

HARMONIOUS LIVING IN A BLENDED FAMILY * Blood is thicker than water, so do not put each other in the impossible position of having to choose between you or their children * Keep your

expectations reasonable * Acceptance, wisdom, and flexibility, are key to comfortable blended living * Walk away from any drama  * A good relationship takes effort – but it is worth the

effort * Show your partner regularly that you appreciate them. Do you have a problem associated with living in France that is causing you upset or worry? Email our new advice column at

[email protected]. Any letters selected for publication will be anonymised. Cynthia will endeavour to reply to all emails.