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AS WRITTEN BY THE MOST POLITE OF BRITS Brits are masters at politeness. From birth, we’re taught how to say our please and thank yous, and most importantly, our sorrys. You Americans, I

hear, are no different. Once I moved away from the UK, it became pretty clear how redundant, annoying and frankly _bad_ for me much of my politeness was. It was costing me in more ways than

one. If you find yourself being polite to the point of painful (for you as much as everyone else), here’s why it’s time to stop. IT MEANS YOU NEVER HAVE TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN… >

 What do you want to do? >  > I don’t mind. What do you want to do? >  > Ah I don’t mind, it’s up to you. >  > No no, it’s up to you. URGH. My British politeness training

has always prevented me from doing anything about it these interminable discussions. That is, until I moved to Spain. Living there was a revelation. No one did this, everyone simply stated

what they wanted to do and a consensus was made either based on the majority, or with compromises. It worked because no one was expecting false politeness and no one got huffy with differing

opinions. I made a decision about a year back to start saying what I really want. It’s made my life immeasurably better. Try it. It’s fun. PEOPLE WILL ABUSE YOUR GOOD NATURE Imagine this.

Two people stand before you and you have to ask one of them if they’d mind giving up their Saturday afternoons for the next month to help with some mind-numbingly boring task. One person is

always polite and well-mannered. The other one is super direct and to be honest, a little bit scary. Which one are you going to ask to give up their Saturday afternoons? More to the point,

which one is more likely to have unmanageable workloads dumped on their desk? Which one might be overlooked for a promotion or pay raise? Which one might get poor service at a restaurant or

from a tradesperson? It’s messed up but being overly polite can leave you holding the shitty end of life’s stick. People shouldn’t take advantage of you, but some will if they think they can

get away with it. Do yourself a favor. Stop being so polite, say what you really think, and see what happens. DITCH THE POLITENESS, WATCH FRIENDSHIPS GROW My brother and his best mate have

the sort of friendship where they — as we say in the UK — relentlessly take the piss out of each other. They’re rude to each other, they call out each other’s weaknesses, they laugh at each

other. And they have the most fun doing it. When I asked my brother about it, he told me that friendship is like a breath of fresh air. He doesn’t have to worry about offending his friend.

The conversation tends to be funnier, lighter, and less stressful. They have stripped away the veneer of politeness in their friendship and are having a better, more meaningful time because

of it. Too many conversations stay in the serious zone because of social niceties and politeness. Sometimes, it’s fun to mix that up. Laugh more, call each other out (good-naturedly) more.

Ditch the politeness and be more honest with each other. OVER POLITENESS IS ANNOYING AS HELL My poor mother is a _sorry machine_. She can’t help but say it every five minutes, from when I

asked her if there’s ice cream in the house (there wasn’t) to when she passes me on the stairs. The other day, I told her to quit it — stop apologizing for existing. Partly it’s because I

want to halt her toxic thinking but also because it’s really annoying. Humans are drawn to mentally strong people and being overly polite can give the impression that you are anything _but_

tough (even if you are). We like to be challenged in life, we like to see personality, and sometimes being excessively polite can mask that all a bit too well. Hence, annoying. Sorry, mum.

POLITENESS ASSASSINATES INTERESTING CONVERSATION The other day I bumped into an old school friend working in a local coffee shop. We didn’t know each other that well, so the conversation got

super awks: > Her: staying out of trouble are you? >  > Me: Yes, yes, just about. So. You’re working here? >  > Her: (looks down at her apron and dirty dishes in her hand) 

erm, > yeah. >  > My brain: Did you just ask her that? What a stupid question, > Charlie, she’s literally got the coffee shop’s uniform on The conversation was crap. And it’s a

shame because I would have been interested to find out more about her and her life. But neither of us wanted to say anything out of turn or too personal because we were too wrapped up in

trying to be polite to each other, very aware of the 15 years that has passed between us. The next time politeness keeps you in small talk hell, get more personal. Heck, tell the person

you’re going to do it — they’ll probably be relieved. FOR WOMEN, BEING OVERLY POLITE CAN BE DANGEROUS Studies show that women’s speech patterns are more polite than men's. We are more

gracious, we are nicer. We’re polite. We have to be, for fear of what will happen to us if we don’t. The result? We’re held back in our careers in favor of our more aggressive male

counterparts. We’re raped and abused because we don’t feel comfortable enough to say no. What’s worse, we can’t win. If we’re aggressive at work, we’re the office bitch. A woman says no to a

man who makes a pass at them in a bar? I tried that the other day and he got so aggressive with me that the police were called. I called him out because I’m tired of having to be the people

pleaser, the one who apologizes for my lack of interest in some dude. And look what happened. We’re in a bind. But one thing I know — being a polite woman doesn’t work. It’s time to change

tactic. HOW TO THROW OVER-POLITENESS IN THE TRASH * Understand that being polite is not the same as being kind. You can still be kind to people whilst saying what you really think. There’s a

difference between being direct and being an asshole. * Figure out which polite social norms you’re prepared to put up with and which ones are not worth your time. Being polite to your

barista or server? Keep. Saying sorry when someone else bumps into you? Dumb. Stop it. * Tell people around you you’re making an effort to be more direct with them so they’re not shocked

when you start. * Hang out with less polite people. The first time I went to my friend’s house in Spain, I thanked her mother for everything, from giving me a glass of water to setting my

place at the table. _Charlie — _she said —_ gracias es para las curas! _which means _Thank you is for the priests! _In other words, I’m not a priest, so shut the fuck up and stop saying

thank you. Her directness helped cure me of my obsessive politeness. IT’S TIME TO STOP BEING EXCESSIVELY POLITE I can’t tell you how many hours of my life I’ve lost to being polite. Maybe

you’re the same. Maybe you’ve also lost precious time to the person who thinks it’s OK to drone on and on about themselves because you’re too well-mannered to shut them up. To extra

assignments at work because you’re too courteous to say no. No longer. I’ve loved taking a stand against everything that is British politeness. I’ve not stopped being kind, I’ve just started

to be more direct. It’s fun. And so far, I’ve not lost any friends. Who’s with me? _Subscribe to my (free) Substack mailout __Simple + Straightforward__ to receive stories, tips, and

strategies for living a simple life. Coming to you every Friday_