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Picture in your mind’s eye Boris Johnson stumbling through the streets of Edinburgh, unkempt, shirt and tie gone, tears rolling down his face and a can of Tennents in hand, yelling to anyone

who will listen: ‘She’s turned the weans against us! She’s turned the weans against us!’ If there’s any justice, that will be the outcome of today’s meeting between the Prime Minister and

the leader of the Scottish Tories, Ruth Davidson. The latter has made no secret of her deep-fried contempt for the former, something she shares with the majority of her compatriots.

Battering Boris is as popular as battering Mars bars north of the border, so it shouldn’t be surprising if Davidson tells the new PM that her and her young band of Scottish Tory MPs, vital

to his majority, may not be in the vanguard of his assault on Europe. They may be in his party, but new mum Ruth will be applying for full custody. Which may come as a surprise to Boris,

given he’d assumed most of his difficult bastards lived in the south of England. Boris, of course, hasn’t helped himself when it comes to his relationship with Davidson. He removed her close

ally and personal friend David Mundell from his position as Scotland Secretary last week, as part of his ‘night of the long knives’ cabinet reshuffle (a move which turned the former mayor

of London from the man who reduced knife crime in the capital into one of the leading causes of it in under 24 hours). Knife crime, incidentally, will be something else Davidson can chide

her leader about, given that Scotland is tackling the problem significantly better than urban England. What she’ll struggle to do, though, is talk about drugs. Johnson has heard many good

things from his frenemy Michael Gove about the narcotics state of/in Scotland. It will no doubt be a highlight of the trip, discussing with Scottish Tories their radical plans for tackling

the issue – given that some have warned the country could dissolve into a ‘New Mexico’ unless drugs are legalised. That might not phase Boris, or his pugnacious new home secretary, Priti

Patel, who have, after all, just announced that they will be hiring 20,000 new police officers. What else are the Polis gonnae do if they can’t tool up and ride around Glasgow estates atop

Boris’s mobile water cannons in a war against the Govan cartels? Of course, the new government could go the other way, and fully embrace drug legalisation. Given that Gavin Williamson and

Dominic Raab now find themselves in positions of power, he could do worse than create a Ministry for Substances, providing a natural habitat in which to install Irvine Welsh, Brian Limond

and Mark Francois. Hell, I’ve heard George Osborne is thinking of returning to government, so why not a ministry of all the talents? It would surely generate some goodwill towards the Tories

in Scotland. There may be some common ground, though, after Boris’ announcement that HS3 is to begin under his watch, connecting Leeds and Manchester. Boris is an expert on transport, from

bikes to bendy buses to campaign buses. And why shouldn’t he be? Boris is the man who builds the things, after all, and the City of Edinburgh, seemingly, has been only too happy to do

business with him in the past, purchasing an entire tram system which, it turned out, was made out of old wine crates. Such is the level of Boris’s commitment to transport infrastructure, he

became the first Tory PM in history to abolish Chris Grayling. And frankly, if Scots can’t vote for him on that basis alone, they are clearly beyond help.